Whisky Festivals are a descendent of the Sci-fi-themed nerd herdings of the 1970s. They first appeared in the early 2000s as a means for agoraphobic beardy men to conquer their fear of women.
Early prototype whisky festivals carried out in Scottish places such as Glasgow were deeply harrowing. The mass graves and ‘chip bins’ of these sites can still be visited today so that future generations of whisky enthusiasts may learn from the mistakes of their forefathers. Some areas of early whisky festivity still carry a half-life of 100+ years and scientists remain unsure as to when we will be able to go in and recover the thousands of ‘premium dram tokens’ that nobody bothered to use.
Modern whisky festivals are prevalent across the globe, The Whisky Lounge puts on several throughout the year with shows in Antarctica, Svalbard and Scunthorpe all planned for 2015.
Etiquette at whisky festivals is intricate and mythical. Anyone found guilty of the following can, by law, be subjected to a Loch Dhu enema:
.Farting at tastings
.Agreeing with Jim Murray
.Turning up with a f**k off sack of sample bottles
.Hanging around in the vain hope of being offered something from ‘under the table’
.Eating Munster cheese
.Secreting miniatures in the lining of your massive trousers
.Crying like a wimp
.Demanding that Eddie Ludlow do press-ups
.Harping on about how you used to buy Black Bowmore for £70 a bottle in the 90s
.Not having a beard
.Not being/being a hipster (location dependent rule)
.Telling everyone about your interesting recipes for Draff
Whisky Festivals can be dangerous – always remember to bring a rucksack with enough water for 4 days. 16 hotdogs. A small bar of nauseatingly posh chocolate made with sea salt or Moroccan chili flakes or Condor tears. A large notepad which you tire of recording tasting notes in after 15 minutes. 37 pens. A ball of strong elastic bands – enough to suspend 4 bottles of Ardbeg Mor from a Chinook. A small stack of kindling and tinder box and 3 family size packs of Kleenex Tissues to mop the sweat from your brow throughout the course of the festival.
Food is now served at most festivals after the dark days of Glasgow 2005 and ‘Chundergate’.
You will meet an intriguing variety of people at whisky festivals from many walks of life who will delight in discussing whisky with you. Do not let this fact delude you into thinking that your opinions are of value at other times and locations outwith the festival boundaries.
You are statistically unlikely to die a horrific and agonizing death at a whisky festival. It is however recommended that you draw up a will before attending.
Above all else Whisky Festivals are a time of joy, sharing, passion, knowledge, fun, friendship and great memories.
You have to enjoy whisky for number 9 to apply. If you do not they are a simmering circle of blether-tinged, sweat inducing hell that will bring you as much joy as an epileptic dragon, riding a nest of hornets up your left nostril.